Hidden.

Do you ever wonder how you even borned and actually alive after all these years with so many shits you have been through? This has been on my mind lately. I cant keep them inside for forever because at some point I need to let it all out. So the reason behind all my depressions started with my grandma's passing. She passed away on 18 March 2012. The day I will never ever forget. I just need her with me I only need her to be by myside telling me everything is gonna be okay. No one else, only her. I admit it I have been pushing people away. I made them believe I dont need their help well actually I desperately needs it. 14 years of my life has been all about her. I depended my needs on her. I received the love and concern that is supposed to be from my mom from her. She was my everything. even it hurts me a lot to use the past tense.
With all these people treating me like shit everyday it makes me feel more unwanted and I didnt belong here. The bags under my eyes explaines everything. I have been hardly sleeping lately thinking about life. I sometimes dont get why I am the person I am now. I am turning into a depressive angsty emotional and deep girl since the lost. A year after I honestly admit I cant get through it. I blame Allah for taking her from me. I blame mysel for went home to Rawang that Saturday I was fucking stupid if I didnt went home I still have the time to look at her for the last time to hear her voice for the last time. I blame myself for not appreciate things before its too late. I must have been a terrible muslim. Astagfirullahalazim ya Allah ampuni aku ya Allah. Strengthen my patience and imaan. Guide me to your rightous path. Help me to get through all of this.

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